1. Rehashing the rehashed recipes ad infinitum…
Here are some food trends that have been done to fucking DEATH: bacon, candied bacon, bacon jam, doughnuts (the new cupcake), kale chips, buffalo anything, pulled pork, quinoa, bacon in desserts, red velvet anything, chocolate chip cookies, cookie dough anything, loaded baked potato soup, green smoothies, anything with chia seeds, s’mores anything, homemade marshmallows, and sweet potato fries just to name a few. You’re just following the fumes of trends that have been driven into the ground.
2. Photos of food spilling and dripping over the sides of dishes.
It’s not arty – it’s gross. It makes my fingers feel sticky and rather than wanting to grab a spoon or fork and eat your food I want to grab a sponge or a dish towel and clean up after you.
3. Stuffing cookies with candy or other cookies.
Stuffing food inside other food. This over-the-top stuffing of food inside other food has become one big gluttonous denial that heart attacks and diabetes could happen to YOU.
4. Supporting the packaged crap industry
There is apparently a continuous contest to see how many ways one can cram processed crap into their home baked goods. Disposing of whole bags of fun-size candy bars in a cake recipe is sick and needs to stop. Please refer to #3.
5. Hyperbolic food writing.
We get it – food can be emotional for some people. Suggesting that a single dish of food is “life changing” is ridiculous. Talking about food as though it can heal all the wounds of life is also ridiculous. Be real. Stop trying to flog emotions out of us with the promise of life-changing pasta. We’re not simpletons.
6. Striped paper straws
Time for a new prop for food photo shoots involving any kind of sweets or sweet beverages. My eyes are so tired of seeing the same striped straws everywhere. What annoys me about them aside from their ubiquity is the “old fashioned wholesomeness” bloggers seem to be implying as if jaunty little straws can neutralize the potential for heart disease and obesity represented on the endless parades of plates piled high with processed-crap-stuffed baked goods.
Fondant doesn’t taste good. The first rule of food is that it should nourish your body. The first rule of food worth talking about is that it also taste good. If it neither nourishes nor tastes good it doesn’t matter how pretty it is, you may as well be sculpting cakes out of play-dough.
8. The evils of “mouth-feel”
Never describe to me how food will FEEL or ACT in my mouth (or in yours). The second you start talking about food in people’s mouths I am imagining masticated food and that makes me lose my appetite which is the opposite of what your writing is trying to accomplish. It’s not funny. It truly grosses me out. I don’t want a “party” or an “explosion” of any kind IN MY MOUTH. So get out of my mouth, please, and keep me out of yours too.
9. Fluffy cake flavored drinks pretending to be martinis
Calling any beverage in a martini glass a martini. It’s not the glass that makes it a martini – it’s the use of gin + vermouth that makes it a martini. The only other version of a martini that’s still a martini is vodka + vermouth. If your drink contains anything else – it is most definitely NOT a martini so give it a new name.*
10. The cast of characters ingredient shot.**
Unless you plan to not have an ingredient list with your recipe (which would be a dumb move) no one needs to see the ingredients all grouped together on your kitchen counter. It adds insult to injury when every item in the photo is labeled – it suggests that your readers are so new to the world that they don’t know what butter looks like. Trust me – we know it when we’re looking at eggs just like we understood what you meant when you listed “2 eggs” in the ingredient list.
*A splash of olive brine and a garnish of an olive or a lemon twist are the only other variations allowable for the drink to still bear the name “martini”. If you’re using flavored vodkas – it’s not a martini.
**My friend Sarah’s words for it. Brilliant.