The first thing I baked in our new house were hamburger buns using my friend Emma’s recipe posted at The Kitchn.  It was wonderful to bake bread again – I haven’t done it for years.  My mom was baking bread for us in this past year and I loved it.  But I missed the feel of young dough in my own hands.  These buns are the best I’ve ever had so if you want to have a hamburger bun that will stand up to your burgers – make this recipe!

Unpacking is a slow process when you’re me.  I get easily overwhelmed by all the other details of moves that must be attended to, such as getting your new State license (you’re supposed to do it within 10 days of moving!!!!!) and paying off old bills and communicating with the IRS and setting up new accounts for everything.  Still, we’re making progress.  Even though we don’t have everything we own down here yet.  Yes, there’s one more trip with a truck to go.  Were we worried about fitting all our furniture here for good reason?  No.  It’s pretty bare in here and we could use all the furniture we already have that’s mouldering in our poor old house in McMinnville.

My sister visited us this weekend and lit a fire under our ass such that my old rhythm was kickstarted: we cleaned, we unpacked, we did house things that normal people do weekly like sweep the porch and the floors and mop and scrub… it was brilliant and I haven’t felt that good in a long time.  Maybe 7 years.  If you think that’s pathetic you are invited to keep that to yourself.
Everything here is way more expensive than it was in McMinnville.  Our water bill for July is $145 and the biggest water bill we ever paid in Oregon was $90.  Food is more costly and the most shocking thing I’ve noticed so far is that the produce in the supermarkets is not nearly as good and fresh as it is in Winco – the poor people’s discount market – I haven’t been to the farmer’s market yet which is probably where I’ll find the best produce but this is California for God’s sake!  Everything grows here.  There is little excuse for produce to be bruised, old, or sad here.  Yet, this is what is.

It is heartening and also telling to see more and more vegetable growing going on in empty lots here and in front gardens.  It is going to be a real boon to grow food on my FIL’s property for the family (if he lets me).

Sometimes I wonder if anyone misses seeing that fat chick whizzing by them on her conspicuous Vespa.  I can’t help but hope my Vespa will be remembered.

I have been having a lot of thoughts about home economy and what that means and how to evaluate it after having a troll plague an old post of mine that tackles the question of whether or not sewing your own clothes in economical.  I have been wondering how best to evaluate the cost of living and the cost of doing things oneself – there’s the compound way of looking at the numbers, there’s the flat way that takes some allowances, and there’s the straight across the board price comparison.  Now that I’m living in such an expensive place I’m compelled to look for new ways of conserving energy and of saving money.

I have so many details to sort out still.  I have to pass my motorcycle written DMV test, I have to pick primary doctors, I have to unpack and do laundry.  But the bottom line is that except for missing the people I care about and enjoy who still live in Yamhill County – I’m so fucking happy to be home I feel incandescent under this bloated disgusting body that I am going to reclaim.

I’m not lonely.  I’m not an outcast here.  I’m not outside all the social circles – I’m in my own social circle!  There aren’t so many social cliques – or at least if there are I am blissfully unaware of them and therefore unable to feel left out and leprous.

Life isn’t perfect anywhere.  I’m terrified for Max to start school.  I’m worried about the price of life.  But I’m also hopeful and this house is amazing.  Every morning I feel lucky to wake up here.

The reality for a person with chronic major depressive disorder and GED is that life WILL be full of difficult days and no amount of life happiness is going to prove the easy cure to what is wrong with my body.  Still – the base line of comfort and happiness matter a great deal – if your baseline is pretty good then the bad days are easier to handle.  If your  baseline is very low and dark then it’s only that much more of a struggle to see light.

I feel my life rhythm returning and that is vital to my stability and my overall sense of well being.

I swept my front porch and trimmed my geranium to encourage more growth.

To most people this would be the most ridiculous thing to celebrate.

I am not most people.

I am happy right now.